Updated: 13th December 2017

Funny Valentine’s Cards Your Date Won’t Throw In The Trash

While Valentine’s Day means gettingprice-gouged on flowers and spending $90 for dinner on a random day in February every year, I have to say the expectation to find a prewritten, mass-produced message that accurately conveys my feeling is probably my least favorite part.

Compared to oversized stuffed animals, hearts filled with slightly too many coconut-filled chocolates and the many uncomfortably bloated encounters you might have after two bottles of Champagne, there aren’t any cards I’ve seen worthy of inspiring the emotional reaction they imply you should have.

I’m not trying to knock the statistical anomalies who have actually found a Hallmark card capable of capturing their feelings, but there’s a reason Mr. Deeds could never get his ideas made into reality — traditional greeting card companies refuse to adapt to the times.

Thankfully, there are some visionaries out there coming up with cards specifically designed to prevent people from quickly glancing at the message before “awwwing” politely and discreetlytossing it in the trash.

This year, aim to give a card that won’t get thrown away.

Sometimes the direct approach is the best approach.

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Some approaches are more direct than others.

That’s how a Valentine’s Day card should be


Why spend money on flowery language and hyperboles when you can just make this instead?

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After all, honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship.


So is tolerance.


I believe this is from one of his sonnets.


Rhetorical questions are the best kind of questions.

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This is entertaining enough to ignore the undertones of bestiality.


The real reason cards are everyone’s least favorite part of Valentine’s Day is because literally everything else is better in comparison.


Even if they don’t end up enjoying the payoff, you know it’s impossible to resist opening the card to read the rest.


Even if you haven’t reached this level of affection, there’s probably a hip-hop Valentine’s Day card out there to express exactly how you feel.

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